Drinking tea makes me feel like writing, so yes.
This is incredibly personal, so feel free to not read it :)
Losing people sucks.
I miss Alex, but I know we can’t have a stable, positive friendship. It’s killing me, but there’s no such thing as being close to someone you don’t trust and neither of us trust the other. Maybe someday we’ll figure out how to be friends again. I doubt it, but a girl can dream.
Insight.
It’s hard because I know you and I and her and I have had our problems, but I care so much about both of you.
Him: You need to start caring about yourself.
Bingo. Most of the time I don’t even realize I’m disregarding my own self interests. I need to start asking myself: what do YOU want? Instead of what will make this or that person happy. It’s time to live my life for myself. I think I deserve it.
Drama free is the way to be.
I have finally learned (the hard way) that humoring those who want to argue with you by arguing back only fuels their fire. Their goal is to make you feel as angry as they do, to hurt you, to cause you as much stress as they’re feeling. Usually, when someone comes at me with a comment insulting my character, my first instinct is to defend myself. However, there’s really nothing I can do to change that person’s mind. Allowing myself to be hurt by hateful comments is only letting that person win. Therefore, I will be the bigger person and ignore it. I won’t try to hurt you back. We’ve both hurt each other enough, and I’m sick and tired of it. I tried to end things as conflict free as possible, by slowly becoming distant, but I now realize the only solution is to end all contact. Saying sorry won’t help. Trying to explain why I made this decision won’t help. I care about you enough to know that we should not be friends. This “friendship” has not been much of one. Yes, we made some great memories and were close at times, but the pain we caused each other will never outweigh those good moments, and it’s time for me to face that fact. I will not be friends with someone who acts one way to my face and another behind my back. And I will no longer allow myself to pretend to not be hurt by your horrible words and actions. What you said and did to me will always be in the back of my mind, and I’m sure the same goes for you. There’s no getting past it. We tried, really hard, but it’s a lost cause. I do care about you and love you, even though neither of us have ever been very good at it. For those reasons, I’m letting you go. You’ll be happier without me, and I’ll be happier without you. I hope I’ve at least taught you something.
I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
“
| — | Rainer Maria Rilke |
Having a pathetic self-pity party.
I’m just in my living room with tears streaming down my face. I am not happy single, and, no, it’s not because I’m lonely or out of options. It’s because I’m ready for something real. I’m beyond tired of waiting for the time to come. I’m frustrated with boys and needing a mature man who’s on my level. No, I don’t miss the idea of having a boyfriend. I’m not 18 anymore. I need a companion, a best friend, someone to share my life with. However, I’m tired of the whole dating scene. It’s exhausting. I’m ready for a commitment. If distance didn’t exist, and I owned a teleporter, everything would be easier. I feel stuck.
Random burst of excitement!
I just logged into my account with The Journal of Psychological Inquiry, and the paper I submitted in November is now “Under Review.” The fact that it’s no longer “With the Editor” made me go “EEEEE!” inside. Cross your fingers :)
K I’m done.
[Flash 10 is required to watch video]
My rendition of “Almost Lover” by A Fine Frenzy. I know my singing isn’t the best, and there’s a lot of things I need to work on with my voice, but this is straight from my heart. I didn’t do any editing or anything…just sang to my computer :) I hope at least someone likes it. Heads up…it gets pretty loud at certain parts.
I need advice. Thoughts?
I’m applying to grad school at home (St. Louis) and out of state in Indianapolis, Chicago, and New Orleans. My original plan was to go to school at home because it’s more practical, and I’m close with my family. However, for many reasons I’m leaning toward going away to school again. (I went to undergrad at Creighton in Omaha.) I’m assuming many of you have gone through the same or a similar dilemma, and I’m horrible at making decisions, so I thought I’d see if anyone had any wise words. I’m hoping at least one person answers this so I don’t look like a goof lol not that it would be a change of pace for me or anything :)
Controversial issue on my mind.
I have always been open to interracial dating for many reasons including but not limited to my personality traits, the way I was raised, and my passion for social justice. However, I know one opposing opinion on it is that some people date outside their race to “project a certain image.” This is a little difficult to wrap my head around since I have never agreed, but I wonder if people actually do that. I can hardly fathom it. Maybe to hide their own discriminatory tendencies from themselves and others? Idk. I date people when I appreciate who they are now, not what they look like, their background, etc. Of course I’m interested in the individual’s whole story, but I digress. I have so many thoughts on this; I’ll stop for the moment.
